am "i" free

a call to freedom...

my greatest dream!!
my quest
even my inspiration.

...so be gone rules 'n laws
because you are simply slavery...
you are putting me in a box. a cubist.
i want to liberate myself.
i want to do what i want (.!)
anything under the sun 'n moon.


this is my flesh..
my self that wants to be all
to be more
and to take all for its own.
The absolute "i"
because i am free...
i can do anything i want
and justify it.

i am an island...
am a rock
i can isolate myself
and behave only according to my own will..
my own ability.. my own ways
i don't need you
i don't need anybody
I want to make myself the unlimited...

why do i have limitations on my freedom?
being dependent? no way!
of course i can do this 'n do that.

who needs order? laws?..
can my freedom be realized there?
is it correct order?
oh man, this is slavery..
"i" said
this is not the truth..

how is this... love my neighbour as myself?
how is this... walk by the Spirit?
how is this...

i am free
and am better than the other..
the intellectual (arrogance)
that i am the best... that i can be
over the top, above the other..
better than everyone else.
biting others.
eros..
contradicting?...


But suddenly
this "flesh"
this "self"
this "i",
finds failures,
mistakes
dead-ends,
sin
and no where to go?
yes. i found myself hiding
in need..
lonely
alone
helpless
powerless

then came pain 'n sorrow

sufferings?

i thought i already conquered freedom,
i thought i can feel no tears no pains,
as if that i will never taste death
but the opposite

that leads to destruction..
worst, to despair

revelation?

so today
i find reason for an examination of conscience:
to surrender 'n retreat
in order
to enter into the obedience of faith.
praying that the great space of
truth 'n freedom
in love truly
open.
opening wide into my horizon...
will i be ever to enter it?
it's my choice. my freedom.

thank God that he has shown his face in Christ;
in my own sufferings 'n distress
in my own conversion
calling to be one body, one spirit with him.
entering into kenosis :)

then i pray that he may help me to be ever more engaged
in this communion with his will 'n to encounter him
amidst the destruction and dictate of my "flesh"
and distorted freedom, of my loneliness
and assorted disturbed reasons'
self-justification...

thus to find myself within his
true freedom,
love
joy.

so now i can really do what i want ;)
in faith
entering agape
by his amazing grace.
beyond the best
that i could be,
beyond
myself

love-so-true